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"flinch" brings us this modern screenplay masterpiece...
"The Matrix"
Location: Gov't Building Food Court
NEO walks through the revolving door of the Gov't Building with a large black
duffel bag in his hands. He sets the bag down on the moving conveyer and steps
through the metal detector. A SECURITY GUARD walks up to NEO.
GUARD: "Sir, could you remove any keys, change, any metallic items?"
NEO pulls his overcoat back to reveal an arsenal of small arms strapped to his
body.
GUARD: "Holy shit!"
NEO thrusts his palm into the chest of the GUARD, driving him backwards.
Instantly, two HK MP5 PDWs appear in NEO's hands, and he riddles the other
guards with automatic gunfire..
A guard who survives the initial slaughter draws a revolver and speaks
frantically into a radio.
GUARD TWO: "Backup... send BACKUP!"
TRINITY steps into the lobby, Uzi already in her hand. She empties the magazine
into the guard.
NEO and TRINITY step into the lobby. NEO draws a pair of Beretta 92FS pistols,
TRINITY is carrying the duffel bag. But instead of the soldiers who we saw in
the original, we see a squad of deadly MALL NINJAs step confidently into the
lobby. They are a sight to behold: covered head to toe in Level IV body armor,
with threat plates strategically placed on their bodies. One MALL NINJA is armed
with an HK53; another levels a Barrett 82A1 .50 caliber rifle; the others are
armed with a mix of lethal technology. We hear the sounds of multiple bolts
slamming shut.
The lead MALL NINJA levels an NEF Handi-Rifle in 300 Win Mag. He jacks the gun
shut and brings the rifle up to his shoulder.
MALL NINJA: "FREEZE!"
NEO and TRINITY look at each other for a moment, then all hell breaks loose.
NEO opens fire as the room explodes around him. He takes cover behind a pillar,
but the MALL NINJA with the .50 caliber rifle reduces it to dust. NEO scrambles
clear, cursing his rotten luck. He draws a pair of Skorpyon machine pistols,
then advances into the midst of the MALL NINJAS, blasting round after round. To
his horror, NEO'S rounds bounce harmless off the heavy body armor.
Meanwhile, TRINITY is climbing the walls in a desperate attempt to dodge the
fire directed at her. A MALL NINJA is reloading his HK G36, and TRINITY sees her
change. With a vicious karate kick, she knocks the magazine out of the MALL
NINJA's hands, then drives her fist brutally into his chest. CRUNCH.
TRINITY shrieks in pain as her hand breaks from the impact with the ceramic
threat plate. Realizing that she's clearly outclassed, she runs up and onto the
wall to get away. Unbelievably, the MALL NINJA follows her on the wall, using
his WALL CLIMBING BOOTS to defy gravity. The MALL NINJA pounces on TRINITY like
a lion on a zebra, and he brings her down to the ground.
NEO's battle isn't going well, either. He's traded his machine pistols for an
M-16, but those rounds aren't having any effect on the MALL NINJAS. He spins
into an impressive Kung-Fu move, but the MALL NINJAS move impossibly fast. A
swarm of MALL NINJAS bring down NEO in a blur of black cloth.
CUT to the center of the FOOD COURT. NEO and TRINITY are in custody, and the
MALL NINJA COMMANDER steps up. He squints hard at our heroes.
NINJA COMMANDER: "Nobody starts trouble in my MALL."
Suddenly, the radio squeals.
DISPATCHER: "We have a group of angry soccer moms at the Kay-Bee. This is a
Priority One call. I repeat, Priority One. OpPlan Beanie Baby is in effect. All
available units please respond."
NINJA COMMANDER: "Copy. Let's roll, people!"
The MALL NINJAS disappear on their Tactical Mall Vehicles.
NEO and TRINITY look at each other.
NEO: "Screw Morpheus."
Fade to credits.
By "flinch"
Mall Ninja Theme Song
To the tune of the Ghostbusters theme:
If there's something weird
At your local mall
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
If you want to know
how to climb that wall
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
I ain't 'fraid of no shopper
I ain't 'fraid of no shopper
If you're taking rounds
from a .308
Who can you call? (Mall Ninja!)
An invisible man
stalkin' you on tape
Ow, who could it be? (Mall Ninja!)
I ain't takin' no rounds
I ain't takin' no rounds
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
If they're across the mall,
get in your cart...
And ya drive....(Mall Ninja!)
I ain't 'fraid of no shopper
I hear he likes to spend
I ain't fraid of no shopper
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
Ooh, if you had a dose and you saw him close
baby...you'd better run! (Mall Ninja!)
(let me tell you something....Ninjitsu makes me feel good!)
I ain't 'fraid of no shopper
I ain't 'fraid of no shopper
Get yourself a trauma plate....(Mall Ninja!)
When you're out on patrol
and shots are raining down ya know...
You'll wish you would have called: (Mall Ninja!)
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
I think you'd better call: (Mall Ninja!)
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!) (I can't hear you...)
Who ya gonna call? (Mall Ninja!)
Louder! (Mall Ninja)
fade....
"Goaltender66"
The Official Mall
Ninja Ballad
(To be sung, at the top of the voice, at all times, to the tune of "The
Ballad of the Green Beret").
Security badges upon their chests
Security men America's best
Ogling chicks selling lemonade
These are Mall Ninja Brigade
Tactical sneakers on their feet
Ninjas ready for CQB
Ninjatsu they know by heart
Bought training manuals from WalMart
MP5's hanging from their sides
Infra-red on, they can see her thighs
Retail security is Ninjas' game
In polyester pants they are never lame
Uniforms got white sugar dust
One more donut their guts will bust
Patrolling mall in little golf cart
'Cuz the food court is just too far
In the morning they break down doors
Busting theirs and saving yours
They all finished the seventh grade
Only these are Mall Ninja Brigade...
Credit for this bit of clever witticism goes to
"Javak".
The unofficial word from the field agents in his area, is that he will be
eliminated without delay.
Think you could do this kind of stuff, no sweat?
Prove it, send what you
have to
The Webmaster.
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